I didn’t need validation…

Carolyn Vincent

Over the years I have had friends to come and go. For whatever reason, a choice was made to sever the relationship.  This happened to me a few years ago with someone who was very dear to me.  Initially, I thought it happened rather suddenly.  In retrospect, it may have been occurring over the past few years. Bottom line—I didn’t see it coming.  Of course she did not say the friendship was over.  Instead she said that she needed some timdoor-open-666175_1280e to herself. I gave her some space and reached out again a few months later to say hi and to see how she was doing.  Needless to say I received the same response.  I valued this person. I thought she was genuine and that that we could depend on each other for support and encouragement. I helped her through some very rough times and she did the same for me so you can imagine my hurt and disappointment.

As time passed, I began to question how much she valued our friendship.  I wondered if she genuinely cared about me as much as I cared about her. I pondered what I could have done wrong to cause the friendship to dissipate.  I questioned myself and sought the opinions of others that really knew me. I needed them to validate me as a loyal and caring person.  But then one day it dawned on me—I didn’t need their validation—the end of the relationship had nothing to do with me.  Maybe this was about my friend. Or maybe the relationship had run its course.  Ultimately, I had to be okay with the fact that people will come and go and I will not always understand why. Sometimes they will leave the relationship and at other times I may leave. Still, I had to move forward hoping I learned the lessons that the relationship was designed to teach me.

I grieved the loss of someone that I thought would be a life-long friend. It was painful yet I refuse to allow it to prevent me from appreciating the friends I do have and allowing others into my life. I realize that many of you have similar experiences. You may be mourning the loss of a friend, an intimate relationship, or perhaps an acquaintance. You may be afraid to take a chance again. Don’t allow the demise of one relationship cause you to build up a wall around yourself preventing others access. Don’t stifle the lessons that future relationships are designed to teach you. Instead, open the door to your heart and recognize that the only way that you can build and create relationships is to be receptive. Invite others into your life. I’m not saying you won’t get hurt again because you might. I’m not saying you will not cry again because you will.  But as each day passes; you will become stronger and you will have a greater appreciation for the people you call friend. And you will begin to embrace and value the lessons that every relationship —regardless of the length of time—brings to your life.

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13 thoughts on “I didn’t need validation…”

  2. When I learned what it is to be bullied in a relationship, I learned an important lesson about relationships – you have to decide what is healthy for you. A relationship shouldn’t hurt you. If it’s not healthy I walk away or don’t try to retrieve what is lost or perhaps was never there.

    Wisdom is recognizing what is happening sooner rather than later. Also, it’s not always about “me” (e.g., how I screwed something up), but it is about the other person in the relationship who actually owns the problem. Thanks.

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  3. First and foremost I would like to say “beautifully said”! Carolyn….who could ask for a more loyal friend than you! We may not talk as often, but when time permits we pick up where we left off. I will never ever In this life time forget what you have done for me and my daughter. Me especially…..you’ve taught me how to be a strong black woman. How to stand up and voice my opinion when it came to relationships. You’ve shown what true friendship is suppose to be, and you’ve demonstrated with such grace, loyalty, and patience! BoTTOm LINe! She has lost a great friend. I love you…..

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    1. What a thoughtful response Joyce! You know I love you and I am privileged that you allowed me to be an example but more importantly, you allowed me to be your friend. I have learned just as much from you as you have from me.

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  4. Auntie, thanks for sharing this because I truly needed to read this. I know I might not tell you often but you’re such a great inspiration in my life!! Love you!!!

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  7. Prayer is a game changer… when you don’t understand rely on a higher power to help you. He will sustain you … I’ve been there.. Phil 4:13 You can do all things through Christ.

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