Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Most of us have either said or heard these words. But saying these words does not make them true. In fact, we know they are not true.  Words can hurt and cut very deeply or they can inspire and motivate. If you’re like me, you have used the saying countless times as a means to protect or shield yourself from pain. But trust me–it doesn’t work. It’s simply a camouflage to help us in that moment, which if not addressed, can spill over into other relationships.

Words have power—they not only impact you but they impact others. Today,  I observed a conversation between two friends. Friend 1 was speaking to Friend 2 about her position as a janitor and how she used to be in a more senior position before it was downsized.  As a result, she either had to take a lower paying job until something else was available or leave the company. She decided on the latter at least until she could find a better opportunity. She was discouraged because she really enjoyed working for the company but she did not see any future advancement. Friend 2 wanted to lift her spirits. She tried to find the appropriate words to say. She thought about it for a minute and said  “well as a janitor you are at your lowest so there’s no where else to go but up”. STOP.  REWIND. TRY AGAIN.  Those were not the right words to say.  Friend 2 thought she was providing encouragement but Friend 1 was insulted. She felt that Friend 2 was minimizing not only her role as a janitor but as a person. She saw it as a ‘put down’ and condescending to say the least. They both shared their perspective with me and then asked my opinion. I understood that Friend 2 was trying to be supportive but the words just didn’t come out right. I also understood why  Friend 1 was hurt. She was being vulnerable and she felt like her friend was not empathetic or caring about her situation.  I took a deep breath and explained each perspective taking both of their feelings into consideration. Bottom line—they resolved it, apologized, hugged, and moved forward.

The example that I provided is a simplistic example of ‘sticks and stones’ yet it highlights the power of words. But as we know, many situations are not this simplistic.  Sometimes the disagreement or discussion will be more challenging and hurtful. Sometimes tempers may flare and there may not be another person to serve as a facilitator. The persons talking will not always care about  the other’s feelings. And believe it or not, these situations occur just as much in the work place as they do in our personal lives. Yes I said it— hurt feelings are shared between colleagues too. Sometimes we know and sometimes we don’t.  It may be unintentional and unavoidable because we are human and we are not perfect.  The question is how should we respond when it happens? 

1. First, be respectful and kind. I acknowledge that sometimes its challenging but there is never a reason to be rude. You will find that kindness and respect will go a long way in resolving any misunderstandings. 
2. Second, empathize. Walk in the other person’s shoes. It will provide clarity and perspective.
3. Third, acknowledge their feelings. I’m not saying you have to agree with them but their feelings are still important.
4. Fourth, pay attention to body language (that includes your own).  Sometimes it’s not what you say but it’s how you say it. Be mindful of your tone, hand gestures, posture, eyes, etc during any interaction (communication is 70%  nonverbal). 
5. Fifth, apologize.  Apologizing doesn’t mean that what you said was wrong and it doesn’t mean they were right. It means that it was not your intention to hurt or cause them any pain.  In retrospect, maybe there were things that both of you could have said or done differently. 
6. Finally, let it go. Of course it would be good if all situations were resolved in a positive manner  but  face it—sometimes it will not happen. As long as you have done your best; that’s enough.  

At the end of the day, the only person you can really control is YOU.  Sticks and stones may break bones; but your words can cut even deeper. So use them to heal, uplift, motivate, and inspire. 

I hope this encourages you or someone you know.  Please share with others. 

Source: Tick Tock…..

Earlier this month I celebrated my birthday. It wasn’t just any birthday but I’m proud to say that it was a milestone—the big ’50’.  Yes I said it—the big ’50’.  It flows easier off of my tongue now but for months leading up to this momentous occasion, I  couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud.  I didn’t want to think about it. And I certainly didn’t  want to share it with others.  Not because I was ungrateful.  Not because I was not thankful for the many blessings I have received. Not because I was embarrassed.  It took me awhile but I finally figured out what it was—FEAR.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of growing older. Fear of not having the time to fulfill my destiny. 

It dawned on me just how quickly time passes—before you know it a day becomes a week, a week becomes a month, a month becomes a year, and a year becomes years and eventually a decade. I did not fully appreciate the significance of the moment until one of my sister friends brought it to my attention. She shared how special it was to her when she turned 50 and that I should not let the day pass without giving it the recognition it deserved. It was the gentle nudge and reminder that I needed. I realized that I had lost my focus; my destiny was not behind me—instead—it was a culmination of my past and my future.  

 In order to truly walk in my destiny, I had to embrace where I am now and take the necessary steps to move forward. It was sobering perhaps even transformational to come to this realization. We are all given a certain amount of time on this earth and it’s up to us how we use it. On a personal level,  I decided that I would no longer take a single second for granted. I will savor and bask in the ordinary.  I will laugh and smile more often. I will enjoy my time with family and friends. I will give more hugs, love harder, and open my heart for others to love me.  I will give of myself in service and not expect anything in return. I will forgive myself for the hurts I caused and I will forgive others that have caused me pain.  I will aspire to be better in every way.  On a professional level, I will continue to strive for excellence in the services and products I deliver to my customers.  I will volunteer and mentor others.  If I see another person struggling professionally, I will reach out and offer my support and guidance. I will set new goals and pursue them with vigilance and determination. I will not allow fear to hold me back. 

You may not be celebrating a milestone birthday; but perhaps something is happening in your life that you don’t want to face. You may be afraid to confront it. I understand where you are—I know how it feels. Trust me when I say that you will prevail. Don’t allow the challenge to define you. Don’t allow this test to discourage you.  Don’t allow your fears to paralyze you.  You have a choice—you can decide how you respond.  The clock is ticking so look forward to each opportunity, embrace each new experience,  and cherish each moment! Use it for what it was meant to be—a stepping stone to something far greater than you can imagine.

I hope this article provides encouragement to you.  Please forward it to others  who may need additional support.

Source: What do they say when you are not in the room?

Recently, I conducted training at a homeless shelter on personal branding. You might ask, how can a personal branding course help the homeless secure employment?  Their goal should be simply to find a job. For that reason alone, I believe that a personal branding course can be useful to someone who is homeless.  Why? Because  they really need to sell their value to their interviewers.  And  whether you know it or not; personal branding —the perceived value that we bring to others— is important for you too. So have you thought about your personal brand? 

First,  you need to figure out what you would do even if you were not getting paid to do it. In other words, discover your passion.  A couple of my passions are writing and encouraging others. As a result, I seek opportunities that allow me to write or help others in some way—whether it is writing an article or inspirational reading, volunteering at a homeless session, designing and providing leadership and team effectiveness training, or conducting one-on-one coaching sessions to name just a few. These are activities that I enjoy.  What makes you excited?   Write  it down.

Second, identify and embrace your strengths. I’m a firm believer that all of us are unique. There is no one like you!  We are special.  And we all have skills & talents that come easy for us. We are good at doing certain things that did not require a certain level of education or training—we just have ‘it’. I’m an introvert and introverts get their energy from being alone but I love supporting and encouraging others.  I can walk into a room and immediately establish a connection with many. People will generally share information with me that they may not share with others.  That’s  one of my gifts—I do it well and I use it to hopefully inspire and motivate others.  What are some of the things that you do really well? Embrace them because they will ultimately contribute to your success.  Write them down. 

Next, explore the perceptions of others.  People often say “don’t worry about what others think or say about you”.  In some situations that may be true but if you want to build your brand —you have to consider what others think of you and the value you bring.  Your personal brand is what people say about you when you are not in the room.  It is your value–the words that they use to describe you to their families, friends, and colleagues. And it is how they genuinely feel about you. I’m a subcontractor for a government customer and I want to know that my customer values the work that I do. I want to know that even though I may have similar skills as others that they recognize the value that I bring.  This happened this past year when my contract was coming to an end; the customer extended my contract because they recognized my value and felt that they needed my support to help them move forward. Ask others how they perceive your value and use it to adjust as necessary.   

Fourth, write everything down on paper and develop what is called a Personal Branding Statement. If you were on an elevator with someone who had the power to give you the career you want—whether is singing, speaking engagements, training, analytics,  whatever it is—it’s a career that that is ‘spot on’ and in alignment with your strengths and passions. Write it down (and practice saying it)—because that’s your personal branding statement—it’s your value so take some time to get it right. 

This is just the beginning. Remember there is no one like you!  Following these steps is a great start to building the brand call ‘you’!

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It takes courage to walk through a door when you don’t know what’s on the other side.

To expect the best even when you have experienced devastating challenges.

To be confident in your abilities especially when others doubt you.

To know that you have everything inside you to be successful.

It takes courage to walk through the door especially when you are afraid of the outcome.

To step out and take a risk even when you feel compelled to stay in your safe space.

To challenge yourself even though you feel stretched far too thin.

To know that you are destined for much greater than where you are.

It takes courage to walk through a door when it has been so hard to get it to budge.

When you’re exhausted by your effort that seems to have produced no success.

To anticipate what’s ahead even though you feel like you are struggling to stay above surface.

To reach deep within and see the vision for your future.

It takes courage to walk through a door– but if you do–you just might find your destiny!

©Dr. Carolyn Vincent (please do not copy or print without permission of author)

Over the years I have had friends to come and go. For whatever reason, a choice was made to sever the relationship.  This happened to me a few years ago with someone who was very dear to me.  Initially, I thought it happened rather suddenly.  In retrospect, it may have been occurring over the past few years. Bottom line—I didn’t see it coming.  Of course she did not say the friendship was over.  Instead she said that she needed some time to herself. I gave her some space and reached out again a few months later to say hi and to see how she was doing.  Needless to say I received the same response.  I valued this person. I thought she was genuine and that that we could depend on each other for support and encouragement. I helped her through some very rough times and she did the same for me so you can imagine my hurt and disappointment.

As time passed, I began to question how much she valued our friendship.  I wondered if she genuinely cared about me as much as I cared about her. I pondered what I could have done wrong to cause the friendship to dissipate.  I questioned myself and sought the opinions of others that really knew me. I needed them to validate me as a loyal and caring person.  But then one day it dawned on me—I didn’t need their validation—the end of the relationship had nothing to do with me.  Maybe this was about my friend. Or maybe the relationship had run its course.  Ultimately, I had to be okay with the fact that people will come and go and I will not always understand why. Sometimes they will leave the relationship and at other times I may leave. Still, I had to move forward hoping I learned the lessons that the relationship was designed to teach me.

I grieved the loss of someone that I thought would be a life-long friend. It was painful yet I refuse to allow it to prevent me from appreciating the friends I do have and allowing others into my life. I realize that many of you have similar experiences. You may be mourning the loss of a friend, an intimate relationship, or perhaps an acquaintance. You may be afraid to take a chance again. Don’t allow the demise of one relationship cause you to build up a wall around yourself preventing others access. Don’t stifle the lessons that future relationships are designed to teach you. Instead, open the door to your heart and recognize that the only way that you can build and create relationships is to be receptive. Invite others into your life. I’m not saying you won’t get hurt again because you might. I’m not saying you will not cry again because you will.  But as each day passes; you will become stronger and you will have a greater appreciation for the people you call friend. And you will begin to embrace and value the lessons that every relationship —regardless of the length of time—brings to your life.

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We all go through seasons in our life. Some seasons can be painful; however, they can help us grow. They offer us an opportunity to learn something new and different about ourselves. That is–if we are open and receptive to the process.  We have to be willing to
confront and embrace our fears.  We must be ready to experience and, literally, sit with the pain.

As we all know, a toxic break up of any kind can be devastating, leaving us questioning  our self-worth–our value. In the back of our minds, we wonder if we are ‘enough’.  I went through a traumatic breakup years ago that catapulted me into a season of self-doubt and despair when I realized  I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I felt trapped, that I had no way out–that I was stuck and all alone. When I gathered the courage to tell a friend about the situation, she couldn’t believe that I would allow someone to mistreat me because she and most everyone else saw me as a strong person.  I was strong then. I am strong now, but I was also scared, so scared that I convinced myself that I could not survive without this abusive person. I allowed him to control me. In retrospect, I gave him so much power—power that he did not deserve.  It was an awful and terrifying experience.

To dig myself out, I turned to my God.  He took my situation and used it for my good.  He protected me and he gave me the courage and the strength to leave the relationship. It was traumatic.   I was fearful. I was afraid—and I cried constantly. I prayed for his guidance so  I could move forward.  It was a very difficult season for me. But you know what–I came through it. I survived. What was initially devastating slowly became a season of self discovery and growth. I’m even stronger! I am even more successful! Above all, after all of these years, I’m finally comfortable enough to share my story in hopes that it can help you or someone you know.   

I don’t know the type of season you’re experiencing or where you find your spiritual support. But if you are going through a challenging season (whatever it is), you should know you are not alone, you are not abandoned by those who love you, and you cannot give up. Out of your struggle you will discover wonderful possibilities!

It may be hard to stop the tears. Cry if you need to, but don’t be discouraged or get frustrated.  Get up—go to your safe space, seek spiritual and emotional support in a way that works for you (e.g. pastor, counselor, life coach, friend, etc) and be brave enough to talk about it. Don’t allow shame to hold you hostage and cause you question your self-worth. Know that you really are ‘enough’ and that you deserve the best. There are resources in yourself and around you that you can call on to help you break through your situation and rebuild to move forward.  You will prevail, if you refuse to give up. Don’t be afraid to face your season head-on. Trust me–the lessons you learn can be stepping stones to an amazing future. And one day, you will look back on this painful season, recognize your growth, see your success, and notice the sun is shining again!

Thanks for reading my blog. Please enter your email address  (on the left-hand side of this page) to stay connected.  You can also email me at aspiringblackwoman@gmail.com.

The last 18 months (prior to this presidential election) have been an enlightening experience for me.  While at times it has been disappointing and deeply painful; it has also opened up a forum for continued conversation on race relations, acceptance, and understanding-which I fully embrace and appreciate. In light of how difficult this journey can sometimes be for all of us; I decided to share some of my thoughts and feelings in the form of one of my reflective writings. My hope it that it resonates with you and if you have not done so-that you also begin a conversation with others around you.  

I told you my story last week about starting a business so now it’s time to hear from you—what’s your story? I know that you dream of doing something. Something that brings you joy. Something that will take you in new directions! You may or may not have shared it with family and friends, but it’s still there and you think about it all the time.  I get it—I’ve been there—and I understand.

Let me ask you a few probing questions that can help you begin to make your dream a bit more concrete.  Let’s start by exploring what you are curious about.  What are you really good at doing? What gives you energy?  What do you really care about?  What do you aspire to become? Your answers may have everything or nothing to do with starting or owning a business.  It could be something as simple as doing more volunteer work, finishing your degree, helping your children in new ways, or something that requires more effort such as starting a business.  Whatever it is –it gives you passion and purpose—so set aside some time and figure out what “that” is and relentlessly pursue it!   Sometimes there are so many opportunities that you can become  overwhelmed, but do not stop – focus, prioritize and narrow the ideas down until you know what “that” is, then you’ll have a concrete goal to pursue, something you can talk about, share, and take action to make a reality.  Talk about it – out loud – to friends and family.  That makes your goal concrete.

For some of us, after we’ve set the goal, we start wrestling with fear and the discouragement fear breeds so much that it paralyzes us. Fear can hold you hostage and make you feel powerless, tempting you to give up and retreat to the way it was before you had “that” dream, “that” goal. Ultimately, if you allow your fear to fester, it can prevent you from taking the steps that will pave the road to your destiny.

Your first action, a very important action, is to break free from the fear that is holding you back.  You have the power to overcome it. Remember,  I wrestled with fear of starting a business for close to  three years, but I finally broke free—and so can you.  Whatever you do—don’t give up—move forward and courageously pursue your goal with vigor and determination. Ask yourself ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’  A friend of mine had the mantra, ‘If it doesn’t work out, I can always wait tables.’

I’m here to tell you that you can achieve your goal—you can do it—but  it requires you to take additional action and do what I call the 3 P’s—Plan, Prepare, and Perform.

• Plan—Do not quit your job tomorrow.  Don’t put yourself at extreme risk. It’s too early to determine if achieving your goal will require that you to make that decision. Instead, plan how to move forward.  Figure out what you need to get started.  Does it require you to have a stash of cash?  If so, start now by saving money.  Have you documented your goals and the steps? If not, begin writing now!

Documenting what you want and how you think you can get there is an important step to making a dream come true.  Writing forces you to think clearly and logically about what is needed to achieve your dream.  It also exposes what you don’t know and the help you’ll need to succeed.  Knowing what you don’t know is critical to your success.  You can find the answers by doing research and networking with others. Make a list of who can help you. Find the people that you can connect with for expertise, assistance and emotional support. You may have to make a financial investment for some of these resources but you can make significant progress just by using the internet and having informal discussions with others.  Start networking now!

Don’t be in a panicked rush to complete your plan—take your time — writing, sharing, thinking, pondering and then refining your plan.  You will find that taking the time will reveal potential challenges and opportunities.  Focus, focus, and more focus now will help you avoid many pitfalls later!

• Prepare—Okay, so you have a plan in place now—next you need to prepare. Preparation is both mental and physical.   Planning and preparation can overlap.  For example, you may have drafted a plan; however, if you have not done what is necessary to start implementing the plan; you still have a problem. For example, I saved a year’s salary but it was still difficult for me to put in my resignation to quit my full time job.  I had a list of networking contacts, but it was hard for me to reach out to them to let them know about my services—I didn’t want to come across as pushy.

I also can’t underscore the importance of mentally preparing yourself. Let me say that again…I can’t underscore the importance of mental preparation!  I centered myself through prayer, but it was challenge for me to step out and take the risk.  For example, if your goal is to start a business, you may not immediately get a contract—it make take months, so you have to remind yourself that this is normal. Don’t doubt yourself or your capability—you have what it takes—so continue to network and implement your plan. If your goal is something other than starting a business, you will still run into challenges and obstacles, but continue to review and implement your plan.  Don’t allow your challenges to overtake or overwhelm you. Shake it off, remain positive and look for the opportunity in each obstacle you encounter. Reach out to family and friends—they can be an amazing support system.   And you may want to consider having a mentor or coach—or someone who can guide you and/or provide encouragement throughout the process.

• Perform— Now that you have armed yourself with a plan and you are prepared—it’s time to step out and perform—yes, in spite of your fears!  Keep reminding yourself that you are destined for greatness!  You will know you are  performing when you are learning what you don’t know, building strong relationships to help you meet your challenges, and are able to check-off tasks on your plan as “Completed”.  You have access to everything you need to be successful.  Go ahead—you can do it!

We all have gifts and talents and that includes you so I know you have a story to tell.  I know that you have goals that you want to achieve.  Please share your story, goals, or thoughts in the comments section of this article.  You can also email me at aspiringblackwoman@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you!